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New Year Humor

Surely a 'clerical' error

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rivka went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the shul, to which he replied in a dull voice, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" Rivka demanded.

"l'll give you two good reasons, Mother,' he said. 'One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

Rivka replied in an exasperated voice, "I'll give you two good reasons why you must go to the synagogue. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi."

A shul where you haven't got a prayer

Rick wanted to get into the shul In Gants Hill, London on Rosh Hashanah, but without a ticket they don't let you in.

Rick pleads, "Look, I just want to give a message to Morris in there."

The man at the door says, "Sorry sir, you've got to have a ticket."

Rick replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."

"Alright," says the man at the door, "but I better not catch you praying!"

We unanimously wish you better, Rabbi

The President of the congregation went to visit Rabbi Ben Azzai between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. He was in the hospital in Tel Aviv having just suffered a mild heart attack.

He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery."

Proof that you should never trust an 'old Geezer'

An elderly physician, Dr. Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to reopen his medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Dr. Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1,000 back". (Gives him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations. You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of the story:
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "Old Geezer."

Cheeky T-Shirt Posts

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

I never argue. I just explain why I'm right.

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue all the time.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered
"who ties your shoelaces for you?"

Be careful when you follow the masses…sometimes the "m" is silent!

Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

I prefer not to think before speaking.
I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I hate it when the voices in my head are silent. I never know what they are planning.

So when is this "Old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?

The fact that there's a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven
says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians.
Help End the Violence. Eat Burgers.

Contributed by 100 year- old Mike Gal 



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Thursday, 25 July 2024

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