Laugh Out Loud

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

When I get a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags or is it just me?

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is when I get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

Submitted by Julie Kunstler-Silverman

With today's rapid advance in technology, we thought it important to bring to your attention some new engineering conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

200 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite-year

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

Shortest distance between 2 jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

1000 aches: 1 kilohertz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 l.V.l League

And finally, 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbird

Politicians:

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~

Politicians are the same all over.

They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced;

go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.

I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

~Ronald Reagan~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor

and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.

~Kin Hubbard~

Submitted by Helen Bar Lev