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Laugh out Loud

Esther and Deborah, both beautiful blondes, are sitting at a table in a coffee shop in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days." Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations. What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, Esther explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!

After a night out on the town, a Jewish couple is taking a cab home. When they arrive, the cabbie says, "That'll be $46, please.
"The husband gives him a $50 bill and waits.
"I'm sorry, but I don't have change to give you." says the cabbie.
The husband says, "No worries, you can take us for a spin around the block a couple of times."

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs.
The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear? "Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur . . .
so, even when it comes to sin, the goyim pay retail!"

Back in the 1970s the famous Jewish comedian, Alan King, took his mother, Minnie, a Russian immigrant, to see Fiddler on the Roof, thinking the fictitious village of Anatevka might bring back memories of her own childhood village.
"And when the show was over and we were back on the street," Mr. King wrote in his autobiography," I said, "Ma, how did you enjoy it? Did it bring back memories?'"
"'It was wonderful", she said. "Only I don't remember so much singing."

As Moshe is on his way to work one morning in Tel Aviv, he sees a man on the other side of the road who looks very familiar. So he crosses the road, goes over the man and says, "Hi. I'm sure we've met at some time in the past. Wasn't it in London?"
"Yes, I do come from London," replies the man. "My name is Riley."
"And what are you doing over here in Tel Aviv?" asks Moshe.
Riley replies, "I've come here to live the life of Cohen."

A Jewish grandmother was watching her two young grandchildren playing in a park. She meets an old friend who says, "What wonderful little boys - these must be your grandchildren. How old are they?"
She replies, "The lawyer is four and the doctor is two."

For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only $30 you can talk to your Zaida whom you miss so much." Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashti, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's Zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? Zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, Zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your Bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his Zaida many questions and his Zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "When did you learn to speak English?"

From: Adam Kegel

  • My stomach is FLAT. The L is just silent.
  • Wouldn't it be nice just once to find a medicine bottle with the warning: "May reduce wrinkles, cause permanent weight loss and increase energy"?
  • I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
  • There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected.
  • "Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?" "This is Alexa."
  • When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East".
    From: Helen Bar Lev


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Sunday, 16 June 2024

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