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A Bit of Humor 203

He Shaw had a way with words did George Bernard 

George Bernard Shaw

George Bernard Shaw once said, "I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." He had a lot of good ones to choose from:

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance." — From Immaturity

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." — From The Doctor's Dilemma

"[The] power of accurate observation ... is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." — The World

"The unconscious self is the real genius. Your breathing goes wrong the moment your conscious-self meddles with it." — From Maxims for Revolutionaries

"There are no secrets better kept than the secrets everybody guesses." — From Mrs. Warren's Profession

"We learn from experience that people never learn anything from experience." — via Columbia University Press

"Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same." — From Maxims for Revolutionists

"He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career." — From Major Barbara. AKA Donald Trump

"There is no sincerer love than the love of food." — From Man and Superman

"Hell is full of musical amateurs." — From Man and Superman

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world." — From John Bull's Other Island

"As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death." — From Overruled

"The first prison I ever saw had inscribed on it CEASE TO DO EVIL: LEARN TO DO WELL; but as the inscription was on the outside, the prisoners could not read it." — From Preface for English Prisons Under Local Government

"Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything." — via The Quintessence of G.B.S.: The Wit and Wisdom of Bernard Shaw

Submitted by Pat Zuckerman:

Tourists 'meat' their match 

On a beautiful summer's day, two Israeli tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the Israeli tourists asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leaned over and said: "Burrr… gurrr… King."

"Purim is for alcoholics. Pesach is for OCDs. Shavuot is for insomniacs, and Lag B'omer is for pyromaniacs who weren't satisfied with Chanukah. Tisha B'Av is for manic depressives and Rosh Hashanah is for people who obsess over dying.
Yom Kippur is for anorexics and Sukkot is for the homeless. Simchat Torah is for those in their happier stages of bipolar.
Mi K'Amcha Yisroel. ... and people still wonder why the Jews invented psychology."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. 

Submitted by Vera Freudmann

What sort of a message is that, for goodness sakes? 

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – "I love you, Sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are the 12 best replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.(My personal favorite!)

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Submitted by Janet Agassi:



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Thursday, 25 July 2024

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