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A bit of humor-Magazine 171

Show judges come to an arrangement!

TWO little old ladies, Dorace and Jackie, were sitting on a park bench outside the town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show. You're on!" said Dorace, holding up a $10 note. So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, sneaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won $1,000 as first prize for Best Dried Arrangement!"


Birthday boy lands in the doghouse

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother? " "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."


The future? Watch this space

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future...".


Food, glorious food. And what people say about it Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet. UnknownThe most dangerous food is wedding cake. American proverbTo eat is human.
To digest is divine. Mark TwainEat as much as you like – just don't swallow it. Steve BurnsIt's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know someone's fingers have been all over it. Julia Child on nouvelle cuisineI eat merely to put food out of my mind. N. F. SimpsonWhen men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. Gail SheehyI've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost are two weeks. Totie FieldsQuit worrying about your health. It'll go away. Robert OrbenI don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. Katherine GebrianNo man is lonely while eating spaghetti. Robert MorleyIsn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat? Marilyn Monroe – on being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row

In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Poland.
He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could bring into the US. When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth.

So Morris explained, "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

"Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so Orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food ...."

The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I also might like a ham sandwich."

Contributed by Anna Paikow 

 

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Wednesday, 10 August 2022

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