Laugh Out Loud - 222

RED SKELTON'S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

Free Puppies: Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

• Cows, Calves: Never Bred. Also 1 homosexual bull for sale.

• Joining Nudist Colony! Must sell washer and dryer £100.

• Wedding Dress For Sale: Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

• You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway. It's your own asphalt.

• I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

• I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken.

• One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

• If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.

• Now that's humerus.

• I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinz sight.

• Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

• Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

• I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon."

• I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

• Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court...

• It was a brief case.

• My friend said she wouldn't eat cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth. I gave her an egg.

• My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.

• Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

• I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

Children Are Quick

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: Class started before I got here.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?

Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

Teacher: No, that's wrong

Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I love this child).

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O.

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago

Winnie: Me!

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Louis: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Harold: A teacher

Submitted by: Janet Agassi