A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
Lykes Lines Shipping
"Email is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
Plant manager, Delco Corporation
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
Shipping executive, FTD Florists
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
Moms in Group Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is
with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Willy from school and go get dinner."
A Loving Grandpa
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full, with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little turd's name is Kevin."
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center, where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is .. Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."
The difference between the Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.
Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show."
"You're on!" said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note.
So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, sneaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement!"
Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.
This compilation was contributed by Milton Franks-Lhermann. Thank you