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Humor: Laugh a Bit

Your Jewish mother is proud of you for wearing a mask. But also disappointed, because she knows how nice you would have looked if you had become a doctor.


Devorah, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me". Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, Moishe comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time. I'm coming to see you. Put on that French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet. We're out of chopped liver; I'll be back in five minutes."


Sadie and Sara meet in the park one day.
"Nu, so how is your son Morris doing?" Sadie asks.
"Not so good," Sara replies. "He has Covid-19."
"That's terrible," Sadie says. "What hospital is he in?"
"Hospital? I should put him in a hospital? They'd put him in a room by himself in isolation at the end of the hall and forget about him. I take care of him at home by myself."
"Really?" Sadie asks. "What do you feed him?"
"For breakfast, I give him matzah with a thin layer of butter shmeared on it."
"What do you give him for lunch?"
"For lunch, I give him matzah with a thin layer of cream cheese shmeared on it."
"What do you give him for dinner?"
"For dinner, I give him matzah with a thin layer of peanut butter shmeared on it."
"Tell me," Sadie asks, "is there something in matzah that's good for this coronavirus?"
"Nah," Sara says with a wave of her hand, "It's the only thing that'll slide under the door."


For several years, a man was having an affair with a Jewish woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Israel to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Israel to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Lokshen' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "'you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Lokshen, Lokshen, Lokshen. One with kneidlach, two without. Send extra soup."


Analyst: "So tell me about your mother."
Patient: "I had this nightmare. I dreamt that I was lying in bed, and I couldn't move, and my mother was standing by the window, looking out with her back to me, and there was weird music playing in the background, and then she slowly turned around, and the music became louder, and ..."
Analyst: "Yes?"
Patient: "...- and she had your face!"
Analyst: "What?"
Patient: "Yes! I woke up, drenched in sweat, took a shower, ran to the fridge, had a coke, jumped into the car and raced here to tell you about it."
(Long silence).
Analyst: "A coke? From the fridge? And that's supposed to be a decent breakfast?"


A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed.
"Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer," declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him.
"Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked.
"You don't want to become a rabbi," thundered the rabbi. "With questions like that you want to become the shul president!"


Israel has become competitive in winter sports because of immigrants from Russia and Ukraine. One Israeli was the odds on favorite in the Grand Slalom which requires the skier to pass through 20 gates and is penalized for missing one. The German skier posted a time of 39.7 and was followed by the Norwegian's 39.9. The French skier was just behind them at 40.0 and everyone waited breathlessly for the Israeli. And they waited and waited. The Israeli posted the worst time of the day. When the coach asked, "What happened?" the Israeli replied, "Someone put mezuzahs on all of the gates." 

 

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Sunday, 19 September 2021

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