RED SKELTON'S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
Free Puppies: Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
- Cows, Calves: Never Bred. Also 1 homosexual bull for sale.
- Joining Nudist Colony! Must sell washer and dryer £100.
- Wedding Dress For Sale: Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
- You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway. It's your own asphalt.
- I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
- I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken.
- One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
- If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.
- Now that's humerus.
- I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinz sight.
- Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
- Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
- I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon."
- I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
- Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court...
- It was a brief case.
- My friend said she wouldn't eat cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth. I gave her an egg.
- My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.
- Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
- I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
Children Are Quick
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Class started before I got here.
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I love this child).
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago
Winnie: Me!
Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Louis: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher
Submitted by: Janet Agassi